CRASH BOOM BANG (Crocodile Dundee se moer)

I spend a lot of time sitting on the stoep with binocs peacefully watching life around me. In fact the best times are early morning which means I get up at 6 or 7 hard to believe but true. The other day, just before sunset, I heard a loud, continuous strange barking coming from the bush so I crept across the lawn to investigate. I got the fright of my life when I came face to face with a rooikat (caracal) behind the rondaval. He’d been stalking Impala who were barking their warning at him.

Today I sat on the stoep with my binocs and got my entertainment for the day watching Theo leopard crawl over a sandbank behind the putting green in his PT shorts armed with a pellet gun trying to pot a guinea fowl. He was unsuccessful but I got a laugh.

Seems I’ll be spending a lot of time on a pool lounger on the stoep since I can’t friggin walk. I’m so mad. We took the bikes for a ride around the farm to explore the place. We haven’t ridden for a good few months so I was careful at first, but after an hour or so started relaxing and enjoying myself. Heavy concentration picking your way over rocks, crevices, dongas, sand and gravelly bits. And then of course naturally there are all the thorn trees so you have to dodge the branches which could rip your eye out while keeping your other eye on the road for broken thorn branches which could poke a hole right through your tyre and your boot. I was nervous going down to the dams cos on top of all the above, you have to keep a look out for crocodiles lying in the grass waiting to ambush you. Anyway I was going along fine, thinking about how I could get the insurance to pay for a new bike since mine was still not going so lekker. An idea was forming about how I could say that I fell in the dam and a crocodile snapped my bike in half when I remembered that the insurance was only on the bus and not the bikes and wack, that’s when I hit the deck. I twisted my knee (yes, the one which is already a mess) and pulled every possible ligament. I had to ride back while my knee swelled to the size of a very painful soccer ball. I’ve been keeping it elevated and iced for 2 days now and it’s slowly improving although I can’t walk and I’m mad as hell. Oh well, at least I’ve got more time to blog and read an old book I picked up which I’m enjoying - James Mitchener, The Covenant. It’s all about SA history and quite appropriate right now.

We’re starting to have our doubts about this place, some funny things have come to light and I might very well need both legs to make a fast dash in the middle of the night but I’ll blog about that next time. Right now I need to change the frozen chicken and milk sachet on my knee and try and get some sleep – which isn’t easy with my leg up in the air listening to the dam rat in the kitchen at 2 in the morning.

COWBOYS AND INDIANS

After the course we moved into the bus and camped at Combrtum Park for a few days letting our brains readjust from overdrive to chill mode. We wondered what we’d do next, where we would find a job, got our CV’s typed up, made some enquiries and sat around the fire bursting with new knowledge and a beer or two to wash it down with. We weren’t allowed booze during the course so 2 beers and a whiskey had me thinking the world was my oyster and that I’d found God and my clitoris.

Man, life’s good but now what. It’s funny, I just can’t seem to shake the urge to want to plan ahead knowing from experience over and over since we left home that things inevitably don’t go the way you intended. One day when I’m big, I’ll learn to live for the moment and in fact I think when I can do that then I can honestly say I’ve reached the next level. At the moment my excuse is I’m a traveler who needs employment.

So anyway, there we were, qualified, grinning from ear to ear and unemployed. Our plan (there’s that word again) was to cruise down to Tzaneen, cos they’ve got lekker avos and pawpaws and nuts and greenery around there, park off for a bit while applying directly to all the game lodges in the Hoedspruit area for lodge management couple positions.

We’d spent a coupla days going in to Modimole, the local one horse town nearest Combretum Park and I just loved the vibe. It’s in the middle of a hunting farm area so you can either buy rifle bullets from Oom Piet in his PT shorts, or next door they’ll stuff your trophy zebra head to be mounted above the fireplace to peer at your visitors, or you can buy tyres for your landie. There are also a few Chinese and general dealer shops selling to the mostly black people in town and I loved the African feel to the place as everyone seemed in no hurry and many of the black women stroll along happily with an umbrella as part of their dress code. This whole umbrella thing is new to me since in Cape Town you’d lift off in the wind so mostly doekie and moisturizer is your protection against the Cape elements.

Our laptop is giving problems, all three ports are down so sorry can’t post pix which by the way are awesome but you’re just gonna have to imagine what the bushveld looks like. Impala carcasses hanging from trees for midnight munchies, leopards who prowl the empty camps at night, on foot, and in fast pursuit, these are the creatures of …..the night. Which by the way reminds me, so far the only thing to fear out here are scorpions hiding under every rock and thorns the length of your hand in every 2nd tree ready to poke your eye out if you’re not careful.

We popped in at the local bushpub, like any red blooded South African would, while waiting for the computer guy to call saying our laptop was fixed. That never happened but what did happen is we got offered a job. Turns out the owner of the bar has a game farm 50km away and was looking for a couple to manage it.

So we put our plans of going to Tzaneen on hold (should have known) and after a trip to the farm, we accepted the job, although I had my doubts about this guy. He is half American Indian, half Asian Indian is extremely arrogant, likes the sound of his own voice and I wondered how truthful all the money talk was. He spent too much time talking about sex and prostitution, not the normal get to know people chit chat. Either he’s preoccupied by sex or he was just checking our reaction. Next time I see him I’m gonna talk about my bowel movements and watch for his response. He drives the latest Merc or BMW or something and the heavy gold chain swinging in his chest hairs and matching watch and rings with you guessed it, rubies the size of puffed popcorn didn’t come out of a lucky dip but neither did they impress me much. We weighed up the odds, decided we had nothing to loose since we were prepared to do shadow guiding (work for food and lodging) for a few weeks if necessary up at Hoedspruit to gain experience and get into the job market.

The farm is awesome. We’ve moved into our own 3 bedroomed thatch house which has a stunning view. There’s a rat in the kitchen what am I gonna do but so long as there’s no Indian in my cupboard, with a video camera, who cares.

A family of warthogs and 20 Impala visit the bottom end of the front garden daily, Nyala come down to browse in the backyard at night and the obligatory troop of monkeys in the back, always on the look out to steal food. There’s loads of birdlife and 2 horses who spend most of their time grazing on the driving range which is next to the pool and the jacuzzi and the big braai lapa. All this is spread out in front of our house, except the 15 chalets running down the side and we are the only people here, expect for 3 workers who come in daily to clean the place.

Kelvin plans to move here with his family at the end of October, build a massive, fancy 5 star development on the other side of the farm now that after 3 years the environmental impact study is finally approved. In the meantime he’s happy that we orientate ourselves and once he’s moved here he said he will advertise the place and make a buck or two from the 15 chalets and bar and restaurant while the big moola development takes place. Whether we’re still around if and when his dream gets off the ground is unimportant, right now were having a jol here

Wipe that look off your face, you're in the bush

Where to start. So much has happened and I’m just dying to tell it all.

We arrived at Combretum Park excited to start the Field Guide Course. I had a permanent startled look on my face cos Berdien who has a nail / beauty salon tattooed decent eyebrows on my forehead the day before we left their place. My 6 little blonde hairs and puffy eyes are now framed by the most delightful arch almost reaching up to my hairline, hence the started look. Berdien said I’d get used to them.

We were 10 students altogether. Another couple who are photographers wanting to learn more about the bush for their future plans, a guy who had been working in the field but wanted the qualifications, a young, alternate thinking German guy, and 4 other young South African guys. We all got on well luckily cos you spend a month in each others company eating, sleeping and dreaming about trees, rocks, grasses, birds and mammals. Life on the outside became a distant memory while we learnt about nature and how things work together. Awesome stuff! It was hard work remembering everything which just keeps piling up but Rainer, the lecturer at www.bushveldtrainingadventures.co.za, is a fantastic teacher. He paints a captivating picture of nature and his passion and vast knowledge of all subjects makes it easier to digest all the information. Sakkie, his partner, is a more hands on guy and has been reading the bush longer than I’ve read my ABC’s. He’s quite a character, packed with wonderful bush experiences, calls his students drolpere and is said to be the best assessor around here.

Did you know that grass has shaped the evolution of mammals? Its not just something you have to mow over the weekend, it’s actually the primary producer in a food chain.

Have you thought about the fact that rocks determine what life grows where since they make up the soil determining which plants grow there which determines what animals can survive there?

Did you know that termites farm with fungi mushrooms in their long underground tunnels which they keep at a certain temperature, not fluctuating more than 2 degrees by using air vents and that they actually place fungi spores on the backs of termites when they leave to start new colonies?

Did you know that mistletoe seeds are eaten by a bird who likes the outside layer of the seed but can’t digest the next layer so it fly’s off to another tree, regurgitates the seed which now excretes a gooey substance so when the bird wipes his beak and the seed onto a branch, the mistletoe seed grows there and that’s how it propagates.

Did you know some mammals can induce the female species to go into estrus, that a horny elephant in musth will travel up to a 100 km’s to mate with a female in a different herd as apposed to his own herd, that in fact all animals are aware of how they spread their genes by not using the same gene pool and some species will sacrifice their own sexual drive in order to ensure the packs survival.

I can go on and on with stuff like this but just cos I’m into this kinda stuff now, doesn’t mean everyone else is. I’d love to elaborate a little more on the above stuff to give you the whole picture but Theo says I’m probably boring my readers. (that is if I have any followers since its been 2 months since I’ve blogged – laptop and time problems).

During the course, we left Combretum Park for 5 days and went to the Kruger National Park to see and study the big 5 since they don’t have any at the course venue. We stayed at different camps, 2 of which were actually outside the Kruger but with open fences.

Manyaleti was the best cos we had animals right at our doorstep. Literally – in fact Rainer warned us not to walk around alone but I had no plans to become supper for the local leopard anyway. Accommodation was big comfortable tents on wooden decks with proper beds and your own inside rustic bathroom consisting of a flush toilet and to shower you boil water on the gas cooker then fill a bucket, hoist it up and there you go. Really cool. We couldn’t believe our luck when just after arriving, we were busy with a class on the braai deck when a herd of elephants sauntered past us in the dry river bed about 20 meters away. They communicate in sub sonic low rumbles by the way. If the Matriarch in the front stops then the rest don’t carry on walking, they all stop dead and all move on together. At dusk a hyena slunk past the kitchen area (I could carry on forever about them) and on the first night the German guy kakked in his pants cos while he was showering, a leopard watched him through the floor slats from under his tent.

On a guided game drive we were really lucky to see a coalition of 4 male cheetahs on the prowl looking to get laid probably. Over the next few days we saw more elephant, a big fat python slowly slither across the road, we saw birds, zebra, hippo, buffalo, crocodiles, giraffe, antelope, warthogs, rhino, a lazing lion, a hyena and feeding vultures.

My startled look was wearing off as my new eyebrows settled on my face only to reappear as we pulled in at Combretum Park to find that the farm had burnt down while we were away. Luckily none of the rooms were damaged (no thatch roof or grass nearby) but the bus got a little heat damage (got insurance luckily) and one bike tyre melted (no insurance – but such is life). Unfortunately the classroom (thatch roof) burnt down with all Rainers books and collection of animal skulls etc. We wondered about safety of the roaming antelope and smaller animals but apparently most survived, although starving.

We both passed the national exam and are now qualified to become Field Guides or manage a lodge or become overland tour guides. Theo, and most other students, also did a 10 day rifle handling course afterwards with Sakkie, enabling him to carry a rifle in a landie if doing a tour. I helped Sakkie with bullets etc and even got to shoot a .22 and a 375 rifle which exploded with such power next to my ear that my new eyebrows would have blown off had the headband of my earmuffs not kept them in place. Like I said, they’re rather high up.

So now that we’re qualified, the next step is finding employment. But that’s another story.

CAPIES VERSUS VALIES

Ok lets just get one thing clear. Here in Gauteng the people don’t know how to braai. They either use charcoal or fancy gas griller jobbies. When the Capies practice their favorite pastime, we build a fire big enough to grill the whole neighbourhood’s wors and half a sheep. We are all potential pyromaniacs.

Being able to step outside without being blown across the yard as often happens in the Cape or riding your bike upright as apposed to a 45 degree angle through the Cape winelands in gusting wind is pretty cool. The wind never blows here. Never ever. A slight breeze has everyone up in arms.

I miss the way the Capies talk about eiwe virrie lywe en tamaties virrie parties. Here it’s all “neea ak gaan narens” or “ak gaan nou wark”, or “ak bly by my maw en my paw”.

In Cape Town you’ve basically got the N1, the N2 and that other watchemecalit road to the southern peninsula, not too hard to get lost, well for most people anyway. Here it’s a network of roads all leading in different directions to different places. Very confusing. There’s hardly any crock cars to be seen. Even the lighties drive fancy bling bling cars whereas in Cape Town you see loads of vrot rust heaps since they drive their cars till they stop and then they’ve still got resale value. Some cars have a bucket so your feet aren’t in a puddle and rust cavities are great for mounting speakers. The Capies complain about peak hour traffic. Ha, wait until they check out these traffic jams, all the friggin toll gates and crappy road surfaces. Valies all work a full day, clearly they don’t get the concept of working half day on a Friday like we do in Cape Town, so thousands more Valies all jostle for first place, flashing their bling bling, whereas the Capies are more like, what a cool day dude (that’s when the wind isn’t blowing), lets ditch work today and head off to the beach dude. Hey dude, where’s my car dude.

The beach. Yes, the one place the Capies rush to whenever they feel like it. Whether its to eat Kentucky in your rusty car while watching the sunset, to walk the dogs after work, to jog down the pavilion in you tight spandex, to catch a wave, or to spend the day grilling in the sun watching hot bods in G-strings strutting their stuff while the kids build sandcastles, whatever floats your boat there’s something for you. Holiday trips to the west coast usually include eating bokkoms with the friendly locals while you watch your tent blow away, or east coast where you pay a fortune for everything cos that’s where the valies go for Xmas to spend their hard earned moola to boost the tourist trade.

Here in valieland they all go to “die dam”. Sunday morning and we were off to Hartebeespoort Dam. Excitedly I stripped off my bullet proof vest, grabbed a towel and cossie, expecting to spend the day at the waterside. We stopped at the bottlestore, a big plus point for valieland since in Cape Town the only booze you will find on a Sunday is from a shabeen. Turns out Hartebeespoort Dam is a town of restaurants and flee markets, nowhere near the waterside, which hundreds of bikers go to for their breakfast run and there’s no swimming to speak of. In Cape Town the only time you see that many bikers together is for a day jol or rally.

Some Capies wake up to feed the pigeons but here the valies wake up to the call of the Grey Lourie (Kwe-voël) who squeezes out a nasal, drawn out “kwe” to persistently coach the people how to pronounce “e” as in “ek” and not “aak”. In Cape Town the only wild animals you’ll come across is the men standing around the braai, drinking klippies and coke and having a heated discussion about the rugby match. In Valieland the chances of seeing a lion or elephant on your way to work are high since most towns are surrounded with game parks, bush lodges or wedding/conference centres all packed with animals.

In Cape Town if you leave crisps out overnight, guaranteed they will be pap by next morning. Here the air is thin and dry and you can leave crisps out the whole week but the problem is the air is also so electrically charged that I’m too frightened to touch anything, never mind have sex since a combination of friction and moisture could result in self combustion.

Besides all the above, its basically same shit, different place.

GAUTENGELENG

We drove from Bloemfontein up to Krugersdorp without stopping at laybyes since there just weren’t any but we stopped at a awesome dam outside Welkom, which hundreds of flamingoes and other birds called home. We spent 2 days with binocs glued to our faces and the bird book got well utilized. We were the only people there to enjoy the stunning red sunset skies dotted with red flamingo wings.

We arrived at Krugersdorp in the North West where the pace picked up. We’re staying with Theo’s cousin, Berdien & Jan, who have gone all out to entertain us and make us feel at home. We spent a long weekend with their friends who own property in the Kruger National Park, my first exposure to big game and nogal in their back yard. There are a 100 or so privately owned plots within the park, most without border fences so effectively it means watch your arse when you’re braaing cos you could become supper for a hungry lion. You don’t stray far from the firelight at night and you definitely don’t want to share the river with the crocs in the river running past the front garden. A family of warthogs grazed on the lawn a few meters from us while a family of baboons watched us from a discreet distance. We watched a variety of buck come down for a drink at the river and giraffe moved silently through the tree tops. I’ve seen antelope before but never as part of the food chain. What a great experience. Later that day I plucked up the courage to swing from a moerse high tree in the front garden. All it took was a few beers to pretend the crocs sunning themselves on the riverbank a few meters ahead were plastic ornaments. I yelled for dear life as I did my tarzan thing. I think I’m turning into a pucker game ranger.

We stopped at a few stunning view sites on the 6 hour return trip from Mpumalanga. I’m especially name dropping the provinces cos I’m getting the hang of knowing what lies where, much to my mothers surprise I’m sure. Drie Rondawels and Gods Window offer breathtaking views from the end of the highveld plateau , overlooking the lowveld. I didn’t realize we were talking altitude differences here, I thought highveld and lowveld referred to the length of the actual grass.

Back at Berdien’s house it’s like a miniature friggin petting zoo. They share their house with 11 cats, 2 dogs, 2 birds, 2 tortoises, 2 chickens and a pot belly pig who calls like a baby when he wants to come indoors. She’s nuts about animals – go figure.

I spent yesterday scrubbing the bus; the back inside corner was black from the exhaust fumes and in hindsight I think all those times we stopped to rave about the view we were probably high as a kite for most of the trip. Oh well, Theo has stuck some gum gum on the hole in the exhaust and some silicon to cover the hole where it’s coming inside. We’ll see what happens when we leave here.

I’m seriously worried about our sex life. I can’t even stroke the cats without building up static friction from the electricity in the air but sooner or later we’ll have to give it a go, possibly with a rubber condom and rubber shoes to earth myself. I have anxious memories of collecting Theo a few times after work back in Cape Town, when a greeting kiss would turn into a hair raising spark as we changed seats. And I’m not even talking tongue, imagine what will happen if you put body fluids into the picture. I asked a few people for advice and they told me to always dangle one leg over the side of the bed to earth myself on the floor. They said a little shock now and then kept things spicy anyway and sex in the passage saved many a marriage. In the interim I’ve been a bit tense but it could be due to over exposure of people’s paranoia in the city life again.

I’ve also just discovered that for some reason I thought we were going to do the course at Pilansberg Nature Reserve. Well I got my facts wrong, we’re doing it at Combretum Nature reserve which is 2 or 3 hours drive from here. Don’t know how I got that mixed up, I thought I was getting good at directions. Oh well we got here, tomorrows worries are for tomorrow.

HOWDY DOODY

I’ve been blogging about places we’ve seen, but you might be wondering about the nitty gritty’s of the trip. I’ve come to the realization that when you’re on the move you just can’t plan ahead cos things never work out accordingly and you only end up screwing yourself if you put expectations on where you’ll be next. I’m also holding thumbs that the bus doesn’t give any more problems cos Theo is learning about maintenance but I suspect he’s learning the hard way but so far we are still on the move and getting there.

I definitely prefer small one horse towns to the bigger cities since they have so much more character and you feel as though you’ve stepped back in time, also less chance of getting lost. We stopped at Bloemfontein, capital of the Frystaat, to visit Theo’s brother and wife, and the city is big and ugly and uninviting. It’s also raining which probably adds to the dreariness of this large brown city.

We spend most days driving (top speed is 80 km/hr), stopping to make food or tea and sometimes we do museums, some are interesting some are old and dusty, or a quick bit of shopping, but mostly its just us, loads of laybyes, and a changing view from the bus window. When we stop in the middle of nowhere you can feel the quietness all around – it’s cool.

My hands have cuts and the dusty cracks tell me my skin is dry but I make a bee line for soaking in the bath and a good pampering when we stay over with people. Whether or not you wear underwear is also determined by your dwindling cupboard and how far before the next washing machine stop.

We’re eating really well; braaing most nights, Theo’s lekker bread, divine buttermilk flapjacks for brekkies, vetkoek and carrot salad are but a few. And then of course the huge parmeham and pancetta which he made 4 months ago is getting smaller and smaller and works as a good standby.

We’re unfit and fatter and the birds and vegetation have changed so I can’t identify anything. I hope I do ok on the Field Guide course starting 21^st August but I’d better start learning to identify stuff around here. Yesterday we drove past either a jackal or a fox. It was roadkill which made it difficult to match up to the picture in my mammal book. I’ve noticed that the hundreds of termite hills around here have been broken open by animals but I haven’t seen them yet.

Other people collect teaspoons or porcelain frogs but we collect toilet paper from petrol garages for when you have to pee in the bushes (not that I’ve seen many bushes lately).

We mostly only have each others company although we don’t talk to each other too much when driving since the engine is noisy. The exhaust fumes generally billow around the back end of the bus, so when we wanna get goofed we pull over for matinee sex.

I sit with the map to see where we are and to get a sense of direction. Ha – my favorite pastime. Well I’m not lost yet although sometimes the Garmin doesn’t work so lekker. I’m learning where the provinces are, anything north of the karoo is unfamiliar to me. All those new names of towns and provinces are foreign but I see the Free State is still called the Free State according to my map.

It rains in winter in the Western Cape and then it gets cold. Makes sense. Now we’re traveling north, climbing altitude all the time, its still winter, it’s warm, we’ve passed snow on the mountains, the grass is dry yellowy browny and it rains in the summer. I’m confused as to when the people suntan.

Anyway so far I love every minute of the journey. Things will change I imagine when we run out of money but hopefully by then we’ll be qualified field guides and can look for work in that line.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I think I’m living life as it was meant to be, I'm enjoying it and I’m happy.

VULTURES AND HISTORY

We arrived in Willowmore with more bus problems ho hum. Same thing – sucking air. Dam. Luckily we didn’t have too hectic a deadline but this wasn’t part of the plan. Theo tried but couldn’t fix the problem so we headed for the garage where they suggested we get an electrical fuel pump which they fitted but after a test drive, the problem persisted. It was 1 o clock and the town closed so it looked like we were there for the weekend. Piet, the very friendly garage owner, insisted we could park in his workshop yard with electricity access and keys to toilets until Monday morning but we were happy to park at a laybye where we could braai and enjoy nature. Later Piet drove the 2km out of town to make sure we were ok and for a chat. He told us he enjoyed flying his microlight and later that afternoon we looked up to see him flying over and wave, satisfied that all’s well. Next morning Theo decided to have another look under the bus and seemed to sort out the problem. We drove around a little to make sure the problem didn’t come back, phoned Piet to tell him we were on our way again and later that day we stopped outside Aberdeen, 200 km past Willowmore, looked up and so wraggies waar we saw Piet flying overhead to wave us on our way. No that’s what you call country service. If it was Cape Town you could confuse Piet’s enthusiasm with the eager roadside tow truck vultures out scanning the tarmac for possible business.

We left the green Rhenosterbos behind us and headed for Graaf Reinette, where we strolled through the military museum and educated ourselves about the Anglo Boer War. The vegetation had turned a dull yellowy brown. I imagined a lion would blend in easily with the grass and I got a kind of a African feeling staring out the window. Well the first few hours anyway, by day 2 it was just more and more boring yellowy browny grass. I was used to green stuff in winter in the Western Cape not this dry open space unfolding for km after km ahead. The book said we’d left the arid region and were in savannah grassland. We overnighted just outside Colesburg and tried our shower out for the first time. It worked perfectly and I felt good. We’d been sleeping at pullovers all the time, (except of course the times we stayed with friends) and we’d always felt safe. I don’t know what all the fuss is about being safe out on the road in SA. The crime is way less out in the gamadoelas, probably cos there’s like a whole 6 people living in the whole Freestate but we are op en wakker and Theo keeps the tazer (stun shock thingie) handy. He wears it on his belt these days since the other day he shocked his leg from the inside of his pocket, not that I’m complaining since a day or 2 recuperating from sex was a relief.

We arrived in Bethulie, a town steeped in Anglo Boer War history, and stayed at Lupo, a biker friend who had sold up his stuff to travel SA and Namibia with Anette on their GS’s but they stopped in Bethulie, bought a house, converted it into a bike packer, and stayed. Lupo was our inspiration to get out of the ratrace so we were keen to see him. He showed us grave sites, the huge concentration camp site where just under 2 000 people died in tents. He took us to the museum, we read letters written by the Khakies to their families, read about first shots being fired at Novalspoort, and by the time we left Bethulie, the Anglo Boer war wasn’t just an event written about in history books, it became real, involving real people suffering horrific conditions.

Lupo showed us the massive, I mean maase massive Gariep dam. Not a person, not a boat, canoe, picnic table or tourist in site. What a pity the dusty, vertragte, town seemed to show little interest in putting itself on the map. If you do find yourself in the historical Bethulie, stop over at Lupo's Bike packers phone 083 251 3555 or check out his website www.BikerPackers.Bethulie.za.net. He will give you a guided tour of the place and is good company.

Back on the bus, a vehicle with a view, and on to Bloemfontein.