CAPIES VERSUS VALIES

Ok lets just get one thing clear. Here in Gauteng the people don’t know how to braai. They either use charcoal or fancy gas griller jobbies. When the Capies practice their favorite pastime, we build a fire big enough to grill the whole neighbourhood’s wors and half a sheep. We are all potential pyromaniacs.

Being able to step outside without being blown across the yard as often happens in the Cape or riding your bike upright as apposed to a 45 degree angle through the Cape winelands in gusting wind is pretty cool. The wind never blows here. Never ever. A slight breeze has everyone up in arms.

I miss the way the Capies talk about eiwe virrie lywe en tamaties virrie parties. Here it’s all “neea ak gaan narens” or “ak gaan nou wark”, or “ak bly by my maw en my paw”.

In Cape Town you’ve basically got the N1, the N2 and that other watchemecalit road to the southern peninsula, not too hard to get lost, well for most people anyway. Here it’s a network of roads all leading in different directions to different places. Very confusing. There’s hardly any crock cars to be seen. Even the lighties drive fancy bling bling cars whereas in Cape Town you see loads of vrot rust heaps since they drive their cars till they stop and then they’ve still got resale value. Some cars have a bucket so your feet aren’t in a puddle and rust cavities are great for mounting speakers. The Capies complain about peak hour traffic. Ha, wait until they check out these traffic jams, all the friggin toll gates and crappy road surfaces. Valies all work a full day, clearly they don’t get the concept of working half day on a Friday like we do in Cape Town, so thousands more Valies all jostle for first place, flashing their bling bling, whereas the Capies are more like, what a cool day dude (that’s when the wind isn’t blowing), lets ditch work today and head off to the beach dude. Hey dude, where’s my car dude.

The beach. Yes, the one place the Capies rush to whenever they feel like it. Whether its to eat Kentucky in your rusty car while watching the sunset, to walk the dogs after work, to jog down the pavilion in you tight spandex, to catch a wave, or to spend the day grilling in the sun watching hot bods in G-strings strutting their stuff while the kids build sandcastles, whatever floats your boat there’s something for you. Holiday trips to the west coast usually include eating bokkoms with the friendly locals while you watch your tent blow away, or east coast where you pay a fortune for everything cos that’s where the valies go for Xmas to spend their hard earned moola to boost the tourist trade.

Here in valieland they all go to “die dam”. Sunday morning and we were off to Hartebeespoort Dam. Excitedly I stripped off my bullet proof vest, grabbed a towel and cossie, expecting to spend the day at the waterside. We stopped at the bottlestore, a big plus point for valieland since in Cape Town the only booze you will find on a Sunday is from a shabeen. Turns out Hartebeespoort Dam is a town of restaurants and flee markets, nowhere near the waterside, which hundreds of bikers go to for their breakfast run and there’s no swimming to speak of. In Cape Town the only time you see that many bikers together is for a day jol or rally.

Some Capies wake up to feed the pigeons but here the valies wake up to the call of the Grey Lourie (Kwe-voël) who squeezes out a nasal, drawn out “kwe” to persistently coach the people how to pronounce “e” as in “ek” and not “aak”. In Cape Town the only wild animals you’ll come across is the men standing around the braai, drinking klippies and coke and having a heated discussion about the rugby match. In Valieland the chances of seeing a lion or elephant on your way to work are high since most towns are surrounded with game parks, bush lodges or wedding/conference centres all packed with animals.

In Cape Town if you leave crisps out overnight, guaranteed they will be pap by next morning. Here the air is thin and dry and you can leave crisps out the whole week but the problem is the air is also so electrically charged that I’m too frightened to touch anything, never mind have sex since a combination of friction and moisture could result in self combustion.

Besides all the above, its basically same shit, different place.