THE BIRDS AND THE BEES AND THE CYCAMORE TREES

You send shivers up my spine

Do that to me one more time

Look at me, Look at me

Natures Toys

Red hot for you

Wanna share my morsel

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES AND THE CYCAMORE TREES

The birds around here are having a big fat jol. Its spring and they are flirting and fluffing like mad and stuffing themselves with insects and berries as they rush from tree to tree in the chase. It’s a bit like watching people on a night out on the town, except without the booze so there’s no waking up next to a stranger on a park bench in your underwear the next morning and feeling guilty. In fact there’s no guilt in animal procreation, just pleasure.
Many male species of antelope get very excited as they chase the females around then stick their noses up the females’ displayed end to check how horny they are. Some even go as far as gargling with a mouthful of the female’s urine and pucker their lips as if they are swirling a good red wine. I hope sheep don’t do the whole phlegmy tasty thing cos I’ve just remembered the curled lips and blanched tongue of the sheep’s head which I ate at the Calvinia Vleisfees.
Some snakes have 2 penises, ooee lucky them, while some drone bees loose theirs in a moment of ecstasy as they explode their whole tool box into the queen bees vaginal clamp. Ouch. Many male insects have their heads bitten off by the very excited females while they are still on the job and other male spiders become midnight munchies for the satisfied females. You’d think they’d have learnt their lesson after millions of years but clearly getting laid is more important. Poor male songbirds on the other hand don’t even have a penis yet they still get all a flutter at the thought of rubbing themselves against a willing female to touch vents.
Right now I’m watching the birds bonking in the Bitou bushes. The males are having noisy singing competitions to get the attention of the females who sometimes also join in. It’s sort of like what goes on in a noisy Irish pub except without the alcohol making it much easier for the birds to hold a note and harmonise in B flat. The males are fluffing themselves up and prancing around showing off their bright new spring colours, the same way that guys do their disco moves on the dance floor after a few tequilas. The females are coyly watching the display, urging them on and a fight is about to break out as the testosterone levels reach their limit. I watch a male chase his competition away and return to feed a berry to a flushed female in a last desperate act to get laid. He succeeds after all his efforts and she lets him touch vents for half a second. Most male animals don’t have much else to do other than eat and bonk so that’s probably why he doesn’t have time for a smoke break before being distracted by another inviting female. Mrs bird, who has just recently got her socks off, stocks up on the abundant berries and insects as any pregnant mother would and contemplates the most effective way to get hubby to follow her back to the nest. “I’ll bite your head off if you don’t come home with me right now” is a common line used by female praying mantises. Mmph, the conniving lengths some females go to.

It’s all about pheromones, hormones and testosterones. Animals must have high sex drives since yes they do seem to be preoccupied with spreading their genes but they do also enjoy getting laid. Foreplay can take days to play itself out before being culminated with the actual deed. Most female mammals and a few other species have a clitoris so yes they must enjoy it just as much as the horny males. Female mammals have a oestrus cycle releasing pheromones which drive the horny males into a frenzy. You don’t wanna cross the path of a male elephant is musth who can smell an inviting female from kilometres away. Move out the way. Horny bull coming through. So what happens the rest of the time. They still get horny. You don’t just stop thinking about getting lucky and I bet they have wet dreams. That’s why they try to bonk anything that moves. In fact it doesn’t even have to move. A rock will do but if they could get hold of a blow up doll I’m pretty sure it would be their first choice. Many primates give themselves a hand job, or even help each other out. And don’t think hand made tools used to reach into termite hills are the only tools out there in the wild either. National Geographics doesn’t tell you about the wooden dildos crafted by Orangutans. Next time you see a female elephant carrying a sausage tree pod around you’ll know what I mean.
So what’s the difference between the mating game of animals and humans?..... PMS?

Wipe that look off your face, you're in the bush

Where to start. So much has happened and I’m just dying to tell it all.

We arrived at Combretum Park excited to start the Field Guide Course. I had a permanent startled look on my face cos Berdien who has a nail / beauty salon tattooed decent eyebrows on my forehead the day before we left their place. My 6 little blonde hairs and puffy eyes are now framed by the most delightful arch almost reaching up to my hairline, hence the started look. Berdien said I’d get used to them.

We were 10 students altogether. Another couple who are photographers wanting to learn more about the bush for their future plans, a guy who had been working in the field but wanted the qualifications, a young, alternate thinking German guy, and 4 other young South African guys. We all got on well luckily cos you spend a month in each others company eating, sleeping and dreaming about trees, rocks, grasses, birds and mammals. Life on the outside became a distant memory while we learnt about nature and how things work together. Awesome stuff! It was hard work remembering everything which just keeps piling up but Rainer, the lecturer at www.bushveldtrainingadventures.co.za, is a fantastic teacher. He paints a captivating picture of nature and his passion and vast knowledge of all subjects makes it easier to digest all the information. Sakkie, his partner, is a more hands on guy and has been reading the bush longer than I’ve read my ABC’s. He’s quite a character, packed with wonderful bush experiences, calls his students drolpere and is said to be the best assessor around here.

Did you know that grass has shaped the evolution of mammals? Its not just something you have to mow over the weekend, it’s actually the primary producer in a food chain.

Have you thought about the fact that rocks determine what life grows where since they make up the soil determining which plants grow there which determines what animals can survive there?

Did you know that termites farm with fungi mushrooms in their long underground tunnels which they keep at a certain temperature, not fluctuating more than 2 degrees by using air vents and that they actually place fungi spores on the backs of termites when they leave to start new colonies?

Did you know that mistletoe seeds are eaten by a bird who likes the outside layer of the seed but can’t digest the next layer so it fly’s off to another tree, regurgitates the seed which now excretes a gooey substance so when the bird wipes his beak and the seed onto a branch, the mistletoe seed grows there and that’s how it propagates.

Did you know some mammals can induce the female species to go into estrus, that a horny elephant in musth will travel up to a 100 km’s to mate with a female in a different herd as apposed to his own herd, that in fact all animals are aware of how they spread their genes by not using the same gene pool and some species will sacrifice their own sexual drive in order to ensure the packs survival.

I can go on and on with stuff like this but just cos I’m into this kinda stuff now, doesn’t mean everyone else is. I’d love to elaborate a little more on the above stuff to give you the whole picture but Theo says I’m probably boring my readers. (that is if I have any followers since its been 2 months since I’ve blogged – laptop and time problems).

During the course, we left Combretum Park for 5 days and went to the Kruger National Park to see and study the big 5 since they don’t have any at the course venue. We stayed at different camps, 2 of which were actually outside the Kruger but with open fences.

Manyaleti was the best cos we had animals right at our doorstep. Literally – in fact Rainer warned us not to walk around alone but I had no plans to become supper for the local leopard anyway. Accommodation was big comfortable tents on wooden decks with proper beds and your own inside rustic bathroom consisting of a flush toilet and to shower you boil water on the gas cooker then fill a bucket, hoist it up and there you go. Really cool. We couldn’t believe our luck when just after arriving, we were busy with a class on the braai deck when a herd of elephants sauntered past us in the dry river bed about 20 meters away. They communicate in sub sonic low rumbles by the way. If the Matriarch in the front stops then the rest don’t carry on walking, they all stop dead and all move on together. At dusk a hyena slunk past the kitchen area (I could carry on forever about them) and on the first night the German guy kakked in his pants cos while he was showering, a leopard watched him through the floor slats from under his tent.

On a guided game drive we were really lucky to see a coalition of 4 male cheetahs on the prowl looking to get laid probably. Over the next few days we saw more elephant, a big fat python slowly slither across the road, we saw birds, zebra, hippo, buffalo, crocodiles, giraffe, antelope, warthogs, rhino, a lazing lion, a hyena and feeding vultures.

My startled look was wearing off as my new eyebrows settled on my face only to reappear as we pulled in at Combretum Park to find that the farm had burnt down while we were away. Luckily none of the rooms were damaged (no thatch roof or grass nearby) but the bus got a little heat damage (got insurance luckily) and one bike tyre melted (no insurance – but such is life). Unfortunately the classroom (thatch roof) burnt down with all Rainers books and collection of animal skulls etc. We wondered about safety of the roaming antelope and smaller animals but apparently most survived, although starving.

We both passed the national exam and are now qualified to become Field Guides or manage a lodge or become overland tour guides. Theo, and most other students, also did a 10 day rifle handling course afterwards with Sakkie, enabling him to carry a rifle in a landie if doing a tour. I helped Sakkie with bullets etc and even got to shoot a .22 and a 375 rifle which exploded with such power next to my ear that my new eyebrows would have blown off had the headband of my earmuffs not kept them in place. Like I said, they’re rather high up.

So now that we’re qualified, the next step is finding employment. But that’s another story.