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| You send shivers up my spine |
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| Do that to me one more time |
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| Look at me, Look at me |
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| Natures Toys |
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| Red hot for you |
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| Wanna share my morsel |
The birds around here are having a big fat jol. Its spring and they are flirting and fluffing like mad and stuffing themselves with insects and berries as they rush from tree to tree in the chase. It’s a bit like watching people on a night out on the town, except without the booze so there’s no waking up next to a stranger on a park bench in your underwear the next morning and feeling guilty. In fact there’s no guilt in animal procreation, just pleasure.
Many male species of antelope get very excited as they chase the females around then stick their noses up the females’ displayed end to check how horny they are. Some even go as far as gargling with a mouthful of the female’s urine and pucker their lips as if they are swirling a good red wine. I hope sheep don’t do the whole phlegmy tasty thing cos I’ve just remembered the curled lips and blanched tongue of the sheep’s head which I ate at the Calvinia Vleisfees.
Some snakes have 2 penises, ooee lucky them, while some drone bees loose theirs in a moment of ecstasy as they explode their whole tool box into the queen bees vaginal clamp. Ouch. Many male insects have their heads bitten off by the very excited females while they are still on the job and other male spiders become midnight munchies for the satisfied females. You’d think they’d have learnt their lesson after millions of years but clearly getting laid is more important. Poor male songbirds on the other hand don’t even have a penis yet they still get all a flutter at the thought of rubbing themselves against a willing female to touch vents.
Right now I’m watching the birds bonking in the Bitou bushes. The males are having noisy singing competitions to get the attention of the females who sometimes also join in. It’s sort of like what goes on in a noisy Irish pub except without the alcohol making it much easier for the birds to hold a note and harmonise in B flat. The males are fluffing themselves up and prancing around showing off their bright new spring colours, the same way that guys do their disco moves on the dance floor after a few tequilas. The females are coyly watching the display, urging them on and a fight is about to break out as the testosterone levels reach their limit. I watch a male chase his competition away and return to feed a berry to a flushed female in a last desperate act to get laid. He succeeds after all his efforts and she lets him touch vents for half a second. Most male animals don’t have much else to do other than eat and bonk so that’s probably why he doesn’t have time for a smoke break before being distracted by another inviting female. Mrs bird, who has just recently got her socks off, stocks up on the abundant berries and insects as any pregnant mother would and contemplates the most effective way to get hubby to follow her back to the nest. “I’ll bite your head off if you don’t come home with me right now” is a common line used by female praying mantises. Mmph, the conniving lengths some females go to.
It’s all about pheromones, hormones and testosterones. Animals must have high sex drives since yes they do seem to be preoccupied with spreading their genes but they do also enjoy getting laid. Foreplay can take days to play itself out before being culminated with the actual deed. Most female mammals and a few other species have a clitoris so yes they must enjoy it just as much as the horny males. Female mammals have a oestrus cycle releasing pheromones which drive the horny males into a frenzy. You don’t wanna cross the path of a male elephant is musth who can smell an inviting female from kilometres away. Move out the way. Horny bull coming through. So what happens the rest of the time. They still get horny. You don’t just stop thinking about getting lucky and I bet they have wet dreams. That’s why they try to bonk anything that moves. In fact it doesn’t even have to move. A rock will do but if they could get hold of a blow up doll I’m pretty sure it would be their first choice. Many primates give themselves a hand job, or even help each other out. And don’t think hand made tools used to reach into termite hills are the only tools out there in the wild either. National Geographics doesn’t tell you about the wooden dildos crafted by Orangutans. Next time you see a female elephant carrying a sausage tree pod around you’ll know what I mean.
So what’s the difference between the mating game of animals and humans?..... PMS?
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